Some Thoughts

A power nap is when you sleep on someone who's weaker than you...

I went whale watching once... It was very similar to watching people on a boat become disappointed... we did a lot of whale-thinking-about that day...

a mobile home with a flat tire is a home...

if you can't tell the difference between a spoon and a ladle, then you're fat...

I want to put stickers on turtles, I don't know why. I just know that's the best kind of animal for advertising your band in nature...

I have a time-machine. It only goes forward at regular speed. It's essentially a cardboard box that I wrote "time machine" on in Sharpie...

How fast does a zebra have to go before it looks gray?

I've met many chocoholics but I've never seen any Chocohol. We've got an epidemic - people that don't understand the rules of word endings... they're probably over-workahol-d...

They call it fishing... but they should call it what it really is: "tricking and killing"...

Hiking is just walking where it's ok to pee...
(sometimes old people hike by mistake)

I want to commit a crime during a re-enactment. Turn it into an enactment...

"Hot Potato" is a very different game when the people playing are starving. Then it's more like "My Potato." Burned fingertips and I don't care... free potato!

I used to get upset when it rained... then I realized it's God's way of washing off hippies.

I think they should put pies on the front of trains, that way when they hit something at least it's a bit funny.
"He's dead sergeant, but there's a cream pie right in his face"

I love birthdays... You get a cake for every year that you're alive. When I see a new baby I'm like "Yes! Please survive. I like chocolate!"

Cakes are the only food we write on. It's always so encouraging.
"Happy Birthday Leo, Congratulations Dennis"
I feel like we're missing an opportunity - I'm talking about negative cakes.
"Surprise! You're adopted"
Cause that's when you want cake.

Game, set, match = Tennis
Set, match, run = Arson

I like video games but they're very violent. I want to design a video game in which you take care of all the people who've been shot in all the other games.
"Hey man what are you playing?"
"Super-Busy Hospital" "Please leave me alone. I'm performing surgery on a man who was shot in the head 57 times."

If somebody asks you the question "are you ticklish?" it doesn't mater whether you say yes or no, they’re going to touch you.
If they say "are you ticklish" and you don't want to be touched you have to say something like. "I have diarrhea, and yes, I'm very ticklish"

If I ever saw an amputee being hanged... I would just yell out letters...




(Thanks Demetri)